Joseph Writes Fanfic Drabbles, Day 15 – Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Now not, Slayer. Passions is on in fifteen–it’s Kay’s wedding to Miguel!”

Buffy growled as she hoisted the vampire by his leather lapels and shoved him into the nearest wall. “That thing has Giles, Spike. My Giles. And believe me, I wouldn’t be here if I had any other choice. My Watcher is not gonna die so you can catch up on your soaps.”

“Well, I can’t just pop over to Comcast and sign up for a bloody DVR, yeah? They-”

Buffy raised her crossbow.

“Right.” Spike grumbled, straightening his coat with a leer. “Let’s go save Mary Shopkins.”

Miguel, NO! That’s clearly Kay’s EVIL TWIN, you numpty! When the real Kay wakes up and escapes her stepmum’s private island, she’s going to be so heartbroken that she’ll get lost down some dark path and bollocks it all up between Whitney and Chad because misery loves wankers named Chad, and it’ll be YOUR fault!



Joseph Writes Fanfic Drabbles, Day 14 – Mystery Science Theater 3000

“But don’t you ever wonder, Cam?”, Tom Servo asked gruffly, his gumball-machine dome shining under the artificial light. “He knows everything about us, but we’ve shared a ship with him for years and we’re in the dark even on the basics!  That’s got to violate some kind of robot roommate code!”

Cambot said nothing.

From his recliner, Crow chuckled, a high-pitched sound like a chicken singing through a kazoo. “Tommy, how he eats and breathes is his bag of potatoes, you know?  Let the man have his secrets.”

“It’s not just a show,” Servo muttered to himself. “This is life.”

And for that matter, just how many science facts ARE there that we’re not privy to? It should end, I tell you! I DEMAND TO BE PRIVY.

Joseph Writes Fanfic Drabbles, Day 13 – RENT

“Listen, I know Mr. Timberlake is a busy man. I’m a busy man myself,” Benjamin Coffin the Third said, not without some measure of pride. He straightened his tie, flashing his warmest smile. “But if you could just–”

The administrative assistant cleared this throat and regarded him sadly. “Mr. Coffin, I…I don’t know when he’ll return. Truthfully, I’ve never met Mr. Timberlake. My supervisor says it’s been years since he’s even visited the building.”

The news crashed into Benny. “But…MySpace can still recover. My investors and I have a five-year plan.”

“Of course, sir,” the assistant said, looking down.


This drabble was suggested by @snarke.

We’re going to phase out Tom, but our research proves that kids are very protective about their Top 8. I’m not in the business of messing with essential features. 

Joseph Writes Fanfic Drabbles, Day 12 – The West Wing

“I–I’m not sure, Miss. Probably four hundred calories? Maybe three. We bake them from scratch,” the young woman offered apologetically. She wiped her hands on her apron and expertly straightened a cruller. While in training, she had spent many hours straightening.

Margaret Hooper looked flustered. “Can you have the owner get back to me? This is important. I broke the Internet over your raisin muffin.” Her phone buzzed, dancing within her coat pocket.

“I’m…sorry. Did–”

“Oh, not your fault.” Margaret’s eyes sprinkled. “It was Jolene Millman, and now Leo can’t email due to baked goods. I need answers!”

While you’re waiting, could I perhaps interest you in a nice Bavarian eclair?

Joseph Writes Fanfic Drabbles, Day 11 – John Roderick

Sweat dripped into the tech’s eyes. The presence of unauthorized personnel threatened the safety of everyone at CERN under normal circumstances, but it was especially dangerous during an experiment.  “Sir, step away from the interferometer!”

“Damn thing won’t stay in tune!”,  John Roderick hollered, twisting a 75-lb lever until it shifted the mechanism forward two inches. “I can’t wait for you nerds to fix it!”

“That machine was perfectly calibrated! You’re–”

Blue sparks fizzed from the corner of the room. “I…I tried to avoid this,” the hapless tech whispered. He pressed the oversized button on the console marked BOGGIA.

Black holes, antimatter…feh. I’ve got riffs to pluck. Is that what you do on a ukulele? Pluck?  That sounds too dainty. Someone make a note.

Joseph Writes Fanfic Drabbles, Day 10 – Paul F. Tompkins

“Sir, I believe one of those drinks you’re warming has my name on it!”, Paul F. Tompkins said bombastically, grinning like Wile E. Coyote in a roadrunner coop.

“What! I’m afraid you’re mistaken, sir, but that’s astonishingly good cosplay!”, Paul F. Tompkins replied, in a tone appropriate for “what” being used as a declarative statement rather than a question.

“No, you handsome devil–I’m you from the year 2021!  Behold!”  The nattily-dressed comedian adjusted his cufflinks, paused, and then expertly twirled his mustache.

Paul F. Tompkins gasped. “Holy Jonathan Taylor Thomas!” He raced towards the bar. This required top-shelf liquor.

And some of your finest pretzels, barkeep!  The soft ones with the salt, please.

Joseph Writes Fanfic Drabbles, Day 9 – Iron Fist / N’Sync

“You can still UGGGGH walk away,” Danny Rand gasped as Lance Bass’s fist crashed into his face. The billionaire staggered backwards. Gathering enough focus to channel his chi was proving impossible. His fingers curled. “I am the Immortal Iron First, sworn protector of K’un-Lun! I honor the sacrifice of–ARRRGHHH!”  His voice dropped; Joey Fatone had shoved him into a wall. Even his yelp sounded pompous.

“Well, I played Mark in Rent, and garnered fairly positive reviews!”, Fatone hooted. “All you do is punch people!”

“But it’s really hard!”, Rand whined, unaware that Justin Timberlake was seconds from bodyslamming him.


This drabble was suggested by @snarke.

Danny Rand is a living weapon. When aimed properly, he is extremely effective at annoying everyone within listening distance.

Joseph Writes Fanfic Drabbles, Day 8 – Patrick Rothfuss / Lin-Manuel Miranda

“Shit! I’m receiving a signal!! Hold on to something.”

Detective Rothfuss’s beard tingled as he passed 49th and Main. He slammed the steering wheel hard, ricocheting the bullet-hole-filled squad car in the opposite direction. It wasn’t easy, fighting crime with enchanted facial hair. The beard couldn’t detect the exact nature of the clue. Was it picking up evidence? A witness?

His partner, Lin-Manuel Miranda, whooped as he steadied his coffee cup. He’d recently become enamored with raspberry mochas. “Aw yeah, Lit Squad springin’ into action. Ain’t nowhere you can hide from us if you’ve committed an infraction.”

Rothfuss grinned. Marvelous.

Is that a chocolate graham cracker latte?  For me? Well, I’m technically on duty, but…slide it over slowly. Yeaaaaah.

Joseph Writes Fanfic Drabbles, Day 7 – Treebeard / Rock Biter

“From my cellar. The North had delicious gourmet flavors,” the Rock Biter growled slowly. “I thought they had all perished, but last year, I picked up a vintage! Mmmmmmm. I will break rock with you.”

Bru-ra-hoom,” Treebeard sputtered, pressing his enormous branch-hand on his guest’s shoulder. “I am grateful, strong friend-rock, but I drink Ent-draught. You bite rocks. It is the way of things.”

The Rock Biter considered this, and then lifted his gift-wrapped rock again. “The way of things allows for sharing a snack with a friend.”

Treebeard allowed himself a pocket-sized grin. Surely just a nibble wouldn’t hurt.

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You’ve got to try it with a dollop of hollandaise. Delish.

Joseph Writes Fanfic Drabbles, Day 6 – The Dowager Countess / The Punisher

“You must know that I’m grateful for your service, dear, but please do try and be more careful. You’re tracking mud all over my floors, and my housemaid just cleaned them this morning,” the Dowager Countess said with refined reproach.

The Punisher grunted and tried to shift his boots without jostling the table. “Uh. Ma’am, what game are you playing? This is bullshit, you hear?  There’s bastards out there that–”

“Yes, yes, we’ll get to the information I promised you,” the Dowager glared. “But right now, you’ll raise that pinky properly.”

Frank Castle sighed and daintily sipped his tea.


This drabble was suggested by @snarke.

A shame, his not being born a Crawley. No member of my house would form such an attachment to a ghastly shirt like that.