Every day for the past few weeks, (male) celebrities have been outed as sexual predators. And it’s great–not that they’re predators**, of course, but that their careers are being destroyed and their lives are collapsing. When you’re talking about monsters, that’s the very least for which you can hope.
**unless you’re a member of the GOP in Alabama without a soul, in which case there’s a reliably strong chance you’re fine with it.
But in the light of all these sickening revelations, Twitter user @BAKKOOONN tweeted that he wanted to collect positive allegations against celebrities. He intended it to be, as he later said, a “dumb rhetorical joke,” but the post blew up, with thousands genuinely wanting to share their stories.
As I read some of the testimonials that followed, dear Reader, I realized that it’s time to close the door on one of my most troubling relationships. It’s time to forgive a man whose every action has wounded me, whose name I’ve cursed at every opportunity for years. It’s time to finally let go of the bitterness and agree to end our bloodfeud.
I’m speaking, as you’ve likely surmised, about Coldplay’s Chris Martin.
Chris has been my nemesis since at least 2001, though he’s unaware of it. “Yellow” rubbed me the wrong way, and I’ve endeavored to stop him ever since.
Through “The Scientist,” past “Clocks,” all during “Speed of Sound,” and everything in-between. When Brian Eno kicked Martin out of the studio while Coldplay was recording Mylo Xyloto, I assumed that he’d stumbled upon what I’d known all along: the best solution for a Chris Martin problem is to show it the door.
I tried to speak with Chris about his pretentiousness, about his vocal style, about naming his daughter after a fruit. Once, I went on a mini-vacation and brought him with me so I could talk some sense into him. It didn’t work out.
But now, there’s this plot twist. It turns out Chris Martin is a good human. A really good human, as I learned from @42dontEverLetGo**
**I have independently verified all but the personal anecdotes.
He visits kids in hospitals in every country where Coldplay tours. He’s often there for hours, talking and singing with the patients, sometimes bearing gifts, and cheering them up. In one case, Martin reportedly stayed for hours every night with the the parents of a kid who’d suffered a traumatic head injury.
Apparently, he began volunteering at homeless shelters as a kid and continues to do so when his tour schedule permits.
He was once spotted giving his hat to a homeless person so they wouldn’t freeze.
The actor Simon Pegg once said: “I’ve never seen Chris walk past a homeless person without giving them a wad of cash. He’ll give them 40 pounds, 60 pounds, whatever is in his pocket”
In 2015, he visited Oxfam India’s site for underprivileged children to spend time with the kids, and then sent them Christmas presents the following year.
Chris, like the rest of Coldplay, donates 10% of his earnings every year to charity.
Coldplay’s 2014 album Ghost Stories is dedicated to a boy named Kevin, a hospital patient Chris met during one of his visits. Kevin passed away, but Chris remains in touch with Kevin’s parents and supports their Childhood Cancer foundation.
Chris participated in Ariana Grande’s One Love Manchester concert and visited some of the families affected by the Manchester attack.
Martin volunteered to perform at Beau Biden’s funeral after he heard that Beau was a Coldplay fan.
The thread goes on and on, and I must now conclude our rivalry.
Sing on, Chris.